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  08.14.00 <CHICAGO ILLINOIS> -- It's official. Hypothetical Seven member James Hilburn has married "Meg", winner of the group's recent "Win-A-Marriage-To-James" contest. 
The contest was held February 25th, 2000, as a way to promote that evening's live Hypothetical Seven improvisation show. "Yeah, people were still sorta horny from Valentines Day so we figured we'd tie into all that hormonal stuff and turn it into some bucks for ourselves", said an ex-member who wished to remain nameless. "Okay. I use the term 'we' loosely. By 'we' I sort mean 'me'. I knew everybody but James would like the contest idea. Maybe I shouldn't have posted those 1,000 fliers or taken those full page ads out in the USA Today. Mabye I went a little wild with the group's money... Mabye not. I WAS in the group, right? So in a way it was kinda of MY money to spend... right?" The ex-member continued. "James was SO funny about all this. He pretended that he was really upset about the contest, but I caught him a couple times in the dressing room the night of the show singing this frolicky little song: 'trah la la la la, I'm going to find out who my mystery bride is... its going to be so jovial... tonight she will be mine.. trah la la la la!' Dude... he was obviously pumped. I offered to run a counter notice in the USA Today saying something like "Hypothetical Seven Fucks Up - contest off!" but he came up with some bogus excuse about us not having the hundreds of thousdands of dollars to run such an ad. Whatever. You could tell that secretly James knew this contest was his best shot at bagging a babe." Eligibility for the contest was simple: buy a ticket to the show and get a shot at becoming Mr. Hilburn's bride. "Yeah, I was worried to say the least when I found out that only 1 ticket had been sold to the show. I kept thinking, 'Maybe I've overestimated people's desire to marry me. Maybe $10,000 dollars a ticket is too steep? Have I set the bar too high?', commented Hilburn. 'I couldn't have known at the time that Meg was outside rigging the contest. And, of course, I couldn't have known at the time that Meg was such an intelligent, gorgeous lady -- if I'd known about Meg and what she was doing I wouldn't have had a worry in the world." "I was willing to spend as much as I needed to", said contest winner, Meg. "I mean, JAMES HILBURN? You'd have to be an idiot to pass up the chance to marry that kind of hunk of burnin' love. I mean, have you even once seen this guy screech like a monkey? Oh, God, just saying 'James' and 'monkey' in the same sentence gets me very excited. How'd I do it? I simply bought off every other contestant. On that night (and forever more) I was consumed with love and desire for 'Jamesy-wamesy'. If anyone got near the ticket window I'd start saying things like 'I'll pay you $15,000 not to buy that ticket!' I'm sure giving up a shot at James wasn't an easy choice for any of them, but we all sensed my conviction. I think they sensed I was making an offer they couldn't refuse.. heh heh... if you know what I mean." [Devious expression momentarily crosses Meg's face]. "This worked so well, we may have another contest to get us a dog and some children." James then turned towards his new bride, they kissed passionately, and then shoved cake in each other's mouths. |