01.31.00 <LAWRENCE, KANSAS> -- HYPE7.com often gets mail from readers seeking advice for their fist fighting conditions (FFCs). These fighting problems are varied and dire. Some lack important fight recognition skills. ("When I get hit in the nose and the other dude is screaming baseless vitriolic threats at me... is THAT when the fight has started?") Others say they lack the charisma to perform simple goading. ("Excuse me sir, if you don't mind, might we go a few rounds? {long actionless pause} No? Ok.. I COMPLETELY understand.") And still others wrestle with fight disfunctions spawned from bizzare childhoods. ("When I was about 18, our declawed tabby beat me up something awful. Since then I just cant seem to pick fights with tabby cats. I try -- I go up with the complete intention of knocking one off the fence, or starting the car real quick so I can catch a sleeping tabby under the wheels, but next thing I know I'm holding the thing in my hands talking baby talk to it. You GOTTA HELP ME!")
Maybe you are saying to yourself, "Awww, FFC's are problems boxers have. NORMAL people don't have FFCs" Maybe your you are saying to yourself, "Wow, its wierd how peanut butter tastes THIS good when coupled with jelly and white bread." FFC is NOT just a boxer's disease. One study showed that related Fist Fighting Failures (FFFs) hit people of all races, colors, creeds, and African Elephants 15 to 16.2 years of age. Another study showed that baseball hats help baseball players block the sun from their eyes.
FFC experimentation has found its way into many a research lab. While researching the HYPE7.com solution for FFC, lab technician Wes Underlake described his lab's work in the field. "Most of us here at the lab just don't fight much. We're moderate hedgehog-like fellows plagued by one kind of FFC or another. And that's why we've gotten so excited about the recent progress made with the lab rats. Hank, quite by accident, threw one rat at another and that's when all that great spontaneous fighting broke out. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to replicate these results with our lab fish. There have been leaks that our lab has been throwing humans at each other, a claim I equivocally deny. Its FAR too early to begin talking about such practical applications in the human world."
Even rock star Alantis Morissette struggles with FFF. Due in part to her tireless work to knock out FFF, FFF is also commonly referred to as the "Ironic" disease. [Editor's Note: Yes, Alantis was a boxer for many years but that doesn't negate our earlier point. She is also an African Elephant.]
Below, HYPE7.com details some of the most commonly recommended methods in handling many FFCs ü
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| 1 | Pick fight. | |
| 2 | Go down into basement or attic. (If you do not have a basement, dig one first.) |
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| 3 | Find football helmet (St Louis Cardinals football helmet will work most effectively. Studies show the thing feared most by people and fighters alike are cardinal birdies.) value. |
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| 4 | Come up from basement or down from attic. (Do not mix these up as you will end up buried alive or falling off the roof of your house.) [Editors Note: See also HYPE7-HOWTO: Falling Off A Roof] | |
| 5 | Make sure fight is still on. (Phrases that might work for you: "Hey, kid? We still fighting?" or "Are we still fighting?" or "Is the fight still on?") |
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| 6 | Put helmet on. | |
| 7 | Realize that you've put helmet on backwards and reverse helmet (Some practitioners of this method like to perform steps 6 and 7 repeatedly.) |
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| 9 | Walk backwards from your target (the person you are fighting) until there is a mile of distance between you. (Do NOT walk to this position by turning your back to your opponent and then walking. It is VITAL that your opponent know you can walk backwards over a long distance. This is where most fights are won or lost.) |
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| 10 | Bend at waist until head and torso are perpendicular to ground (If you continue to fall on your face due to the weight of your helmet, get a large block of wood and prop your head upon it.) |
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| 11 | Run as fast as you can towards target (Run as fast as you can towards target. [Editor's Note: Raise your hand if you've had a teacher who's explained himself by repeating himself... EXACTLY repeating himself.] |
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| 12(a) | IF TARGET DOESN'T MOVE DURING RUNRun into target so that helmet hits first. |
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| 12(b) | IF TARGET MOVES WHILE YOU RUNStop run, return to the spot from where you began your run, and holler at your target to return to their position. |
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ü - Sid the monkey was the one who commonly recommended these stategies