01.10.00 <WINDHAM, MAINE> -- Bob Wowzah, acclaimed author of the best selling positive-mental-attitude tomb, "Take Off The Apostrophe And The 'T' And Discover That You CAN" was buried alive by a class of third graders. Wowzah had been guest speaking before the Windham grade school class when one of his own attitude adjusting activities seemingly backfired.
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Two weeks ago, the teacher of the class, Ron Bobbins, noticed that his class was murmurring an inordinate number of I-CANT's.
"I noticed that many of our children were putting these artificial boundaries on themselves. All day long I'd hear 'I can't kick a soccer ball', 'I can't hold it any longer', or 'I can't spell good'. They had the NEG-O's really bad and I was getting worried for them."
"I had been doing personal reading on the side to help cope with my general disatisfaction with life. I had read this cool "Chicken Soup: How To" book, and it pointed me to Bob Wowzah. Wowzah is a God. I mean was a God, well, I guess if he's still alive I can say IS a God. Anyway, I was really touched by his ideas. There was this activity in his "You're A Wonderful Buttercup" book called BURY YOUR CANT's. I can't believe.., I mean I can believe how awesome it was.. what I'm trying to say is that it was really neat. You write all your I-CANT's down on scraps of paper, you put every last one of them in a shoebox and bury them. Then you aren't supposed to ever mention them again. I'd tell you some of my I-CANT's but like I said, and like Mr Wowzah used to say, you can hurt yourself really bad if you mention them again. Ironically that's partly why I couldn't stop what happened today. I just feel horrible, but in another way, the kids and I learned that we are very capable people today so that makes me feel pretty darn good."
Bobbins talked about how he convinced the acclaimed author into coming to samll town Windham.
"Well, one of my third graders in particular really was suffering from the I-CANT's pretty bad. He's what we call in the teacher lounge 'the yellow and pathetically weak kid'. Jackie Pepper is his name. So I'm reading my Wowzah book one day and it says, oh God, I remember this so clearly, it says, 'Try the impossible.' That advice just TOTALLY blew me away. It just flashe into my mind; "I'LL GET BOB WOWZAH TO COME HELP JACKIE PEPPER." Next thing I know I've found his unlisted number (I have some, how do you say, lurid connections in Boston) and I challenged him to come. AND HE SAID YES! Incredible, just incredible. Wowzah works! Its a shame to loose him -- or its a shame we're about to loose him."
A classmate of Pepper's who witnessed the burial spoke to us on the condition that her name be kept anonymous. We'll call her Jenny Plucinick instead of Jennifer Plucinick.
"Yeah, Jackie in particular had a real awakening. We were all just working very quietly, writing out our I-CANT's when Jackie suddenly and surprisingly blurts out, 'I CANT BE A LOOSER ANY LONGER' I was stunned at how husky Jackie's voice was and how he seemed to just hover beside his desk, staring Mr Wowzah right in the eyes."
"Oh man Mr Bobbins was REALLY mad. I thought Jackie was going to get spanked or at least get tied to Mr Bobbins' 'YOU-ARE-A-BAD-PERSON CHAIR' but Mr Wowzah blocked Mr Bobbins angry lunge towards Jackie with one of his arms. After a long pregnant pause [Editors Note - read about Jenny Plucinick in an unrelated article -- "Third Graders Getting Pregant At The Ole Mill Bridge"] Jackie booms out again: 'I CANT MAKE MY GRADESCHOOL ENEMY EAT EARTHWORMS'. Next thing I know, Jackie AND Mr Wowzah are walking hand in hand to the Earthworm farm that our class upkeeps [Editors Note - read about Jenny Plucinick in an unrelated article -- "The Third Grade Earthworm Plantation - How Our Kids Are Learning About Graft And Corruption"], Jackie grabs a handful of worms under the approving head nods of Mr Wowzah, and... it was beautiful. Jackie just shoves all those worms in Eddie Ritz's mouth. At that moment I thought to myself, 'Woah! This Wowzah crap really works!'"
Sources say that Jackie Pepper seemed to calm down after exacting revenge on Ritz. He sat back down in his desk and completed the exercise as assigned. About thirty minutes into the period, Wowzah and Bobbins lead the kids outside as planned. 23 Third Graders, each with a shoebox of I-CANT's and tiny digging shovels, headed towards the single oak tree and its supporting patch of grass at the other end of the school yard.
Many say their first hint that something wierd was happening was when Jackie Pepper continued to dig his hole long after it was big enough to hold a shoebox. Realizing the others had finished digging and were waiting for him, Pepper reportedly screamed, "I CANT TRICK MY CLASSMATES INTO DIGGING THIS HOLE BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD THE BODY OF AN ADULT APPROXIMATELY THE SIZE OF BOB WOWZAH.
Jenny Plucinick noted, "All 22 of us just automatically started digging the hole bigger. It was like we were under a spell. I mean, who would have thought that when Jackie yelled 'I CAN'T CONVINCE BOB Wowzah TO LIE IN THAT HOLE' that Mr Wowzah would actually lay down in the hole?"
As Pepper's I-CANT's played out, and the other 22 worker-ant-Third-Graders began refilling the hole with their shovels full of dirt, Wowzah reportedly tried to turn the tables.
"Hey kids... uhhh... uhhh... what about Mr Wowzah's I-CANT's? Uhhh... Uhhh.. One of my I-CANT's is.. uhh... 'I CANT STOP KIDS FROM BURYING ME ALIVE'"
Pepper reportedly retored, "Well, if that was really one of his I-CANT's wouldn't he have put it in HIS shoebox? And wouldn't he have never mentioned it because that's the whole point of this exercise? To bury your I-CANT's and never say them again? So this new supposed I-CANT that Wowzah claims must be a fake! Remember your own I-CANTs kids! 'I CANT BURY A GUEST SPEAKER ALIVE!'"
With that the remaining dirt was hurriedly shovelled back into the hole and the children, after an unidentified classmate yelled 'I CANT CHAIN MY BODY TO THIS TREE AND OVER THIS GRAVE SO THEY WONT RESCUE MR WOWZAH', chained themselves to the site.
It's been 14 days since this self help exercise began and still, we continue to hear the third graders of Windham blurt out I-CANT'S. In stark contrast to the mound many of them sit upon are the 22 tiny holes and the as of yet unburried shoeboxes. When will all this end? A spokeschild for the group says that they'll return to the classroom after they come up with every possible I-CANT they can think of, The spokeschild insists the aim of the group is merely to complete an assignment.
'I CAN'T PRETEND TO BE PIGGY FROM LORD OF THE FLIES' comes another scream. It looks like Jackie Pepper and his gang are committed students with a determination to do this assignment correctly.
Kids.
[Editors Note: You kidding? AFter an article THIS long think we'd make your read more superfluous crap like an editor's note? No way. We've got verve. We've got style. We're not a bunch of idiots. We'll Hank isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer but the rest of us... we're not idio... ok... Joan too. Lets' just say if the human race came down to Hank and Joan you'd probably prefer that we die out. Hmmm... die out. That kind of makes you think doesn't it? About our mortality. About how sooner or latter or never we are going to die. Uhh... anything else? Oh Yeah... some of us at the office are having a pot luck tomorrow so why don't you come by. We have most of the main dishes covered but if you could pick up a little salad that would be great. Most of us like those tiny little onions in our salads, but some of us don't so if its not too much trouble, could you get two salads: 1 with and 1 without. The end.]
