01.06.00 <LAWRENCE, KANSAS> -- At 11:52pm, nearly six days deep into the new year, Cosmo Tevens became the first human born this millennium. As if being the first baby of the millennium wasn't enough, Cosmo made his splash onto the scene even more exciting by being born at home before the Tevins could make it to the hospital.
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Bruce Tevens. this millennium's newest father offered his thoughts. "It was sort of crazy, because our doctors said that we'd give birth to our child on January 7th, and well, as you can clearly see from alumni college calendar I've hung up here on the wall, that its the 6th today. So when Martha, that's my wife Martha, when Martha started getting pains around 8am this morning... well, we just thought we'd try to wait it out until the correct day. I guess we just missed! You know what I mean?"
Usually the first newborn of a year arrives seconds after the date rollover. But this year, as 1999 faded out and 2000 arrived there was, amazingly, not a single human birth As the millennium arrived timezone by timezone the lack of births began to cause a panic.
"Yeah, about three houses down this couple just lost it, ", said Jerry Riggins, next door neighbor to the Tevins. "What, it must have been the 3rd? the 4th? Anyway, we hear all this car horn honking and next there are screaming voices and so I hid behind my blinds and watched the action. He just kept screaming 'Ah hah! I told you! I told you all there was going to be a final judgement. Well I'm one fella who isn't going to get burned!' Stuff like that. And then he would yell at his wife again who was balling her head off next to car. She'd sob, 'Bob, I don't want to go live in our Y2K shelter... this is ludicrous.' It was awesome to watch. Bill Packer, who has the key to their house... well, he's been feeding their cat and all... but I've been watching him and he's in there a pretty long time. So I guess that there is some looting going on too... Its getting crazy around here."
We talked to Marth Tevins about an hour after the blessed event. Suprizingly, she was fully dressed and milling about her bed room, the picture of health and amazingly thin. Nowhere was there evidence of a recent birth. "I named him Cosmo... well... because I'm a pretty big fan of the magazine. And though it was VERY big in the 1980s, I just REALLY think the magazine will also have a very strong showing here in the 2000s, so naming my baby Cosmo was a pretty easy choice."
As we talked to Martha, Bruce burst in on the conversation and bellowed, "Honey! I just found out that we get 2,000 million francs as well from the French for this first baby thing"
"Add it to the kitty!", Martha added.
"He's looks, uhhhh... pretty mature eh?," Bruce Tevins asks of us. "Lots of hair and teeth on little Cosmo. Well, its a new millennium and kids grow up so fast these days so I'm not surprised, not surprised at all that our baby looks a little older. I mean who is to say with genetics and such that todays newborn isn't supposed to look like yesterday's second grader. Gotta change with the times. You know what I mean?
And as we left the Tevins to be alone in front of their dish TV, little baby Cosmo said it best.
"Goodnight Mr Riggins", little Cosmo uttered to the familiar neighbor who exited shortly before our interview team. This Cosmo is surely a bright newborn and hopefully indicative of the kind of baby we can come to expect as humans. Polite, evidently pottie trained, and able to walk just like a baby horse at birth. Yes, it looks like a bright new millennium.
Goodnight to you baby Cosmo. Goodnight.
[Editors Note: 4 Population Explosion Panic groups which earlier in the week had closed their doors, insisting the population problem had been solved, were getting it on amongst themselves when news that humans could once again have babies. When asked about Cosmo, many said they could now see how a person could selfishly and savagely pursue sensual pleasure even if it resulted in offspring. "Damn the Earth." one of them said, but we didn't quite get their name.]
