The Score Reviewed: January 1st, 2002 Website: http://www.thescoremovie.com       Movie Snob       Safety Jeff   {NOTE: Some WEIRD abberation was detected by a loyal fan/reader in my previous dice based rating sytem. Based on the nature of the world, there is a VERY REMOTE chance that all die, when rolled in the PERFECT SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES (), might produce an outcome not covered in my rating systems. To insert another rating level into the mix at this point would be artificial and distruptive. I have decided, instead, to use a clearer system of small pigs to rate the value of movies. This is THE rating system that I will stick with from now on. -Movie Snob} Here’s a trivia question for you. What do the following have in common? 1) a² + b² = c² 2) e = mc² 3) The plot of The Score A: They are all well known formulas. Just like its mathematical counterparts, director Frank Oz’s first non-comedic foray, The Score, follows a predictable set of pre-determined rules. As the title suggests, this is a caper movie, complete with all of the apparently necessary cliches. An aging master thief (Robert DeNiro) agrees to do one more job, despite the pleas of his love interest (Angela Basset), who refuses to marry him until he quits safe cracking. The aging thief gets paired with a young hotshot crook (Edward Norton), and together they attempt to steal a priceless scepter. Hijinx ensue. Also along for the ride is a distressingly corpulent Marlon Brando, playing the part of DeNiro’s shady business partner. I was saddened by the sight of Brando, whose incredible girth makes him look like a mean-spirited caricature of the gifted actor who starred in “On the Waterfront.” DeNiro is basically the same character he played in Ronin and Heat, a disciplined, cool headed, street wise thief with a meticulous nature. Norton reprises his role from Primal Fear as a cocky crook who pretends to be a loveable idiot. Norton has infiltrated the Customs House where the scepter is kept by assuming the identity of a handicapped janitor. Most of the film revolves around the crime’s planning stages. The thieves have at their disposal the obligatory warehouse full of expensive gadgets, high tech computers, and black clad thieves’ accouterments. All told, the crooks have invested hundreds of thousands of dollars in their tools, which begs the question: Why not put that money in a mutual fund, let it collect interest, and avoid the possibility of extended jail time? I suppose that plot line wouldn’t sell many tickets. Instead, we get to see a litany of arcane gadgetry. Just once, I would like to see someone break into a high security vault with a coat hanger and a stick of chewing gum. I do not wish to give away to much of The Score’s ending, but since the tag line for the film is “There Are No Partners in Crime,” I can safely reveal that there is a double cross involved. As plot twists go, this is the most simplistic, underwhelming “surprise” ending I have witnessed in a long time. It is an ending that could have sprung from the mind of a child. As the credits rolled, I found myself wondering, “Is that it? Is that the big payoff?” The Score may be filled with Hollywood heavyweights, in more ways than one, but this boring, poorly scripted work will leave you feeling robbed of your precious time. Movie Snob gives this movie a '1/2 full pig' rating and then double crosses himself by giving this movie a 1/2 empty pig rating. When I FIRST heard that The Score not only had crime in it, but was actually ABOUT crime, I said, "Nu-uhn! No way am I going to go to this moive! Its against my principles." But latter, when I called my local radio station (looking to see if I'd left my dog there ), I ended up being the 2nd caller and, well, I guess I won a coupon for two dollars off admission to a showing of The Score over in Waterville. I really had no choice but to go. There was nothing I could do about winning that discount. I knew I couldn't un-win it, unmake that telephone call. Besides, I knew going to any movie, even an unsafe one like The Score, would help take my mind off trying to figure out where I'd misplaced my dog. The last movie I'd seen in Waterville was "Earthquake" back in 1974. The owners had installed what was then called "Extra-Sensory-Seating". During the first earthquake scene my seat rumbled "realistically". I was tossed backwards into the next row, breaking my arm ironically on an arm rest (in the 70's the arm rests weren't cushioned yet). I swore I would NEVER go back to that theatre, but, as it turned out, my two-dollar-off coupon was redeamable only at that theatre so... So there I am, waiting for a CRIME movie to start in a REALITY theatre. As the credits begin scrolling by I have one hand gripping my wallet (which I've now moved to a front pocket) and I try not to move my large tub of popcorn too much to prevent the pocket knife I've hidden from settling to the bottom. I've securely baracaded myself in by "Saving" chairs to both sides of me while I wait for IT to start(SAFETY JEFF MOVIE TIP: ALWAYS wear 2 coats to the movies). The titles continue to flicker across the screen. I'm eating the popcorn so quickly, so nervously, that I almost eat my pocket knife. I cover myself by pretending to comb my hair with the weapon (cleverly designed to look like an ordinary 1 foot long comb). And just as I'm awaiting some awful gunfight to break out, there it was. The credit of all credits, a twist I never could have anticipated: DIRECTED BY FRANK OZ!!! BOOM! The reality of the moment crashed down upon me (I fell out of my seat). Yes, The Score was a crime movie but a crime movie acted ENTIRELY BY MUPPETS!!! I WAS SAFE! And this wasn't just ANY muppet caper. (SAFETY JEFF MOVIE FACT: 'Crime' movies, when acted out by muppets, transform into harmless 'Capers'). The Score turned out to be a very specific muppet movie: the sequel to Oz's first completely-realistic-dramatic muppet movie, 'The Dark Crystal'!!! Yes, all the old TDC characters are back in The Score, though their names and looks have been changed because capers are supposed to be tricky and deceptive.. Now maybe ole Safety Jeff was sipping a little too hard on the blueberry juice, but I didn't even realize this was a sequel to The Dark Crystal until about halfway thru the movie! When it finally dawned on me I just couldn't help but make a public exclamation of incredulity. If you had asked me 2 weeks ago if I would have ever yelled something like "Fire" or "Holy Cow, Its a sequel!" in a public cinny I would have said, "No, not unless there was a fire, or a holy cow, or a sequel in that cinema". {EDITOR'S NOTE: Pre-screenings of The Score revealed that 79% of all public exclamations used, in some form, the word "COW". The movie's release in India has been delayed.} And I wasn't the only person crying out during this movie. The crowd sounded like a pan of popcorn placed over a burner -- at first just a couple of us were screaming out, but within minutes the whole audience had let loose. Even the New Hampshirites picked up on what was going on (Their screams were a bit more particular: "Ohhhh. I get it. [pause] JESUS CHRIST! I JUST HAD A SENTIENT THOUGHT!"). At first the hollaring scared me, but then it was fun and made my tummy happy inside. And for you doubting-Thomases out there I've assembled a simple side by side comparison chart that clearly illustrates, for example, that Marlon Brando's Max character is almost identical to the Skeksis character of the Dark Crystal. And this is not just a similarity based in the narrative. You see, Marlon Brando not only resembled but actually played the role of Skeksis in the Dark Crystal!!! They cleverly hid this information in Dark Crystal 1 (i.e. Robert DeNiro played Jen, etc.) with the full intention of surprising us 20 years latter with this surreptitious sequel (Dark Crystal 2 = The Score). Really, if you think about it, its just like that movie, 'The Crying Game'. In that movie you find out about halfway through that a leading female character is really a man. (If you have not seen 'The Crying Game' do not read the previous sentence.) Formerly: JEN Now: NICK Formerly: KIRA Now: JACKIE Formerly: AUGHRA Now: DIANE Formerly: SKEKSIS Now: MAX The Score serves as an excellent reminder that puppets don't kill people, Marlon Brando kills people. Thus I give it my top rating: 5 safety helmets. - The PERFECT SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES required to roll a die producing an outcome outside The Movie Snob's dice rating system involves any living or non-living thing that can make a die roll. If the die ends up on a 'non-1' face, then you've discovered the PERFECT CIRCUMSTANCE to break the system. The radio station here town is the same building as "Amy's Maine Morning Cafe" - cutely named because it's on Main street, is situated in my favorite state (Maine), and because Amy only serves breakfast! Anyway... if any of us patrons leave our coats, keys, or other such belongings at Amy's, she always makes sure to drop them off next door at the WMHB front desk. That morning I'd brought Steve (my dog) with me to the cafe and next thing I knew he'd gone missing. Usually when I forget Steve somewhere, we both count on him just getting home somehow (walking, hitching...) but that day, for some reason, I has this worry that someone from away might have snatched Steve, so I called WMHB, and well... as I've already said, I won the coupon.