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Dungeons & Dragons Reviewed: March 4th, 2001 Website: http://www.dndmovie.com  Movie Snob Safety Jeff
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{NOTE: Let me once again stress that the idea to use the endocrine system as my movie rating system on my last review was NOT my idea. I can comment no further then to say it was necessary, it allowed me to end some VERY threatening harassment by an overly devoted fan, and that making this endocrine rating system was TRULY my last option. I am upset to find out that some short-sighted readers cannot understand my predicament. What am I supposed to do? Magically make this weirdo go away? Anyway, that fiasco is over and I can move on to what I think is THE rating system to trump all rating systems. Dice. What could be simpler? Enjoy my new rating system and enjoy this review. -Movie Snob}
Movie Snob's formative years were spent huddled behind a Dungeon Master's screen, rolling dice and eating Cheetos. Hence, Movie Snob comprises the perfect target audience for "Dungeons & Dragons": former D&D geeks who love movies (By the way, this was a great marketing idea: "How do we alienate the majority of our audience?" "I've got it! Let's do a movie about fantasy role playing." That's the theatrical equivalent of doing a film about Pokemon cards... okay, that's a bad example.).
So, as the one person the universe for whom this film was intended, let movie snob be the first to say: ...Horrible! This has got to be the worst film of the year, hands down (although, if dropped into a pit with "Highlander: Endgame," "D&D" could probably bite off an appendage or two before being devoured). Hell, even an army of Githyanki (Fiend Folio, page 39) couldn't save this picture.
Is it just me, or is it generally counterproductive for thieves to advertise.
"Hello, I'm a mage."How good can a thief be when everyone knows his occupation? It's like being a talking mime; why bother?
"I'm a fighter."
"I am a priest."
"Hi, we're thieves. We steal things. Glad to meet you."
Also, based on the movie, if you ever want to find the top secret location of the Thieves' Guild, simply find a freaky-looking guy (the one the film had three eyes and purple skin. What the hell was he -- a mutant mind flayer? A "triclops"?) and follow him through the doorless, unguarded entryway to where all of the town's thieves obliviously party. It's that easy.
Movie Snob loved the lame attempts to tie the movie to the game. Here is an actual exchange of dialogue from the film:
"She cast a 'Hold Person' on us!"Pitiful. I was waiting for, "I am a seventh level Ranger with a +2 shield and 52 hit points. I get double damage versus bugbears."
"Let us go!"
"I'd have to be 'Feebleminded' to trust the likes of you!"
Speaking of Rangers, this film features the world's most useless tracker. At one point the film, evil, blue-lipsticked, mentally deficient villain kidnaps the heroine. How can the heroes possibly get her back?! Never fear, 's a tracker the party. Line from the movie:
TRACKER: "They have a head start, but I know these woods. If we go off the trail and ride all night, we can catch up with them."D&D Quiz:
CUT TO: The next day. The heroes are hiding the shadows of a huge fortress. The villain has already arrived and set up guards around the compound. Whew! I'm glad they had a tracker to figure that out. Without the tracker, they might have actually gotten to the fortress BEFORE the villain - and then where would the plot have gone?! Maybe it's just me, but I don't think you have to track a castle. I think that even with my sub-par tracking skills, I could track a castle. See, they have a tendency to be rather sedentary...
You are a highly skilled thief trying to secretly infiltrate a castle guarded by several soldiers and a Beholder (floating head with a bunch of eye stalks). After carefully surveying the situation, you decide to throw a rock into the nearby woods. What is the result?
a) One guard is sent to investigate. Discovering that the noise was caused by a rock, he sounds a general alarm. You are beaten to death with several blunt instruments.
b) "It's probably just a bird," says guard number one. You throw another rock. "Chipmunk, I think." You throw a third. "Yep, goes that bird again." Two hours and 50 throws later, you run out of rocks. You are beaten to death with several blunt instruments.
c) Seeing the arc of the rock's flight, The Beholder triangulates the source of the throw with its 7 eyes. You are beaten to death with several blunt instruments.
d) Thinking the noise to be an advancing army cleverly disguising itself as a squirrel, all of the soldiers and the Beholder leave their posts and conveniently mull about the forest, never once looking back at the now unguarded gate.
Luckily for the movie's hero, "d" is the right answer.
One homage to low budget sci-fi of ages past comes a cameo by Tom Baker (The Doctor Who with the big hair and the jelly babies). He plays the all-wise elven priest who single-handedly saves the life of the mortally wounded hero. After using his considerable powers of good to bring the hero back from the brink of death, he issues the hero a heartfelt warning.
BAKER: "The Rod of Controlling Red Dragons must never be found. It is an evil artifact created by men. If it is ever found, it will undoubtedly lead to the end of the world."Once inside the cave, the hero confronts a lich (skeleton of a dead mage), who possesses the Rod of Controlling Red Dragons. Here is where the scriptwriters simply gave up; they realized that they had a horribly confusing mess on their hands, and they decided to bale out.
CUT TO: The next day - the freshly healed hero stands outside a cave entrance. "This is the cave that leads to the Rod of Controlling Red Dragons. Let's go!" It's refreshing how the hero feels totally unburdened by the Apocalyptic Prophecy told to him by the omnipotent priest who just saved his life. After all, what's more important - Armageddon or a kick axe magic item?
LICH (ultra-powerful critter, see "Tomb of Horrors" [geek reference]): "I am the mage Savrille. I created the all powerful Rod of Controlling Red Dragons thousands of years ago, but I have been waiting here ever since for one worthy enough to take the rod from me."That little bit of anti-climax is followed by this gem:
HERO: "Give me the rod."
LICH: "Okay, here you go." (He waited a thousand years for that?)
LICH: "Be warned that once you use the Rod of Savrille, which controls Red Dragons, is only one way to reverse the evil it brings. Indeed is only one, obscure way to avoid total annihilation at the hands of that rod."I could insult this movie all day long, but eventually even Movie Snob feels pity. This film is so hapless, so malnourished, so substantively crippled, so bereft of even a Village Idiot's IQ, that I can only kick it the ribs so many times before I feel compelled to remove the steel-toed boots. Ah what the hell, just a few more kicks.
HERO: "What is the way?"
LICH: "I don't want to tell you." (THEN WHY BRING IT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE?!! It's as though he's saying, "There's a really easy way to stop the world from blowing up, but it's my coffee break.")
I love the message of this film. The evil Prime Minister (Jeremy "I used to be a subtle actor" Irons) convinces the ruling council that the good queen can't be trusted with the Rod of Controlling Gold Dragons. Jeremy says that if the queen doesn't get her way, she could use the rod to attack the council. Outraged that the council could believe she would attack them with the Rod of Controlling Gold Dragons, the good queen attacks the council with the Rod of Controlling Gold Dragons. (Yeah, I can see how OUTRAGEOUS it was for Jeremy Irons to suggest the queen might use her power unjustly. He was obviously WAY off base .)
That's it, I've had enough. My toe hurts.
-Movie Snob
PS- Did I miss a scene, or do all of the characters commit suicide at the end of the film? There's no joke here (I wish it was). The characters all decide to go stay with their dead Wayans brother
And my rating? This movie could have easily rated the 3 sided dice but I'll give it a small break because nothing can rate lower than Charlie's Angels. Dungeons And Dragons, The Movie earns a Roll of "1" on a 12-sided die rating.
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This movie is already one of 2001's top ten fantasy movies and its only April. That's saying something!.
DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE IF YOU ARE TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO ROLE PLAY. WHILE THE TIPS AND TRICKS OF HOW TO PLAY ARE SUPERB, THE DANGERS ASSOCIATED WITH "Playing" ARE ALSO REVEALED AND MAY UNECESSARILY SCARE SOME AWAY FROM "D&D" (D&D is what we call Dungeon's and Dragon's for short up here Maine. The first "D" matches up with the word, "Dungeon". The ampersand is a symbol we use to represent the word, "And". Crazy, I know, but just trust Saftey Jeff on this one. Finally, the second "D" stands for the word, "Dragons". Get it? D&D? Dungeons And Dragons? Email Safety Jeff if you need some more explanation).
D&D has really taken off wicked big time up here in Skowhegean where I've been going to cut my role playing teeth. My new role playing buds consist mostly of day shift workers at the New Balance shoe factory. When we heard about this movie, we made a special trip all the way down to the big city to catch it. Portland, Maine is a HUGE city and very intoxicating so be very careful if you try this stunt yourself. {See my reviews: "UNSAFE: Getting Street Directions From Art Gallery Employees", "VERY VERY UNSAFE: Cheering for the other team at a Portland Pirates Ice Hockey Game" }
Yes, I fell asleep on the drive down. But the fellas know old Safety Jeff often has a case of the Highway Sleepies so they let me drive the first leg of the journey, where there wasn't much to hit. Luckily I ditched us next to a blueberry stand. We loaded up with a wicked large number of blueberries which we sneaked into the theatre. The blueberries they sell inside the theatre are SO expensive.
I guess I expected this to be more of a training video. I was hoping that by watching this movie I could get out of having to read the D&D Players Manual(D&DPM) -- no such luck. The movie is liberally sprinkled with startling and sudden close-ups of individual role-players who turn directly toward the camera and say, "But you already know that because you've SURELY read the D&D Players Manual!" My buds all agree that is was kind of fun getting sassed at in this manner (Only one member of our adventure group had read the D&DPM prior to viewing the movie: the guy we've nicknamed the "READER". He reads EVERYTHING: the newspaper sports page, street signs, instructions, mail. The "READER" said these shots made him feel superior to the rest of us, which he is! He manages the low-end sneaker lines at New Balance! WICKED AWESOME!
Don't worry, though. You don't have to have read anything to really benefit from the tips in this movie. How many times have you gotten a sword (affixed to one of your lead role playing figures) stuck in your thumb? This movie TOTALLY shows you how to extract the figurine (1. Saw off the sword with a hack saw "So you instantly make the problem smaller." 2. "Pull.").
PAINT IN MOUTH! PAINT IN MOUTH! That scene where they show the naive player accidentally eating a bottle of model paint while decorating a figurine might as well have been me! I thought this was just an unavoidable occupational hazard (which is why I only painted things with "orange" -- the tastiest of the colors.) I was blown away to learn about the "Tape-The-Mouth-Shut-With-Clear-Packing-Tape Technique". You can also use this technique to keep it from getting up your nose too!
As a safety expert, I've always been afraid of kissing and intercourse... while role playing. Whenever my Skow-tow adventure buddies would make their little figurine fighters have pretend kissing and sex (by placing them on top of each other and making "Ohhhhhh" and "Ooooooooo" noises) I would always have to make some lame excuse ("Hey, I have to go to the bathroom"). Then I'd pathetically sneak my figurine out before it could be mounted. This movie uses the extreme close up very effectively to show you how to cheaply and simply paint condoms, IUDs, and dental damns onto your little buddies. There's even a wonderful conversation that reminds all players about the wisdom of abstention. I'm back in the game! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh baby!
But where D&D, The Movie shines is its treatment of Australian Aboriginal Dungeon Masters. In a recent report that was floating around the New Balance factory floor, 95% of all evil-good clerics are killed during campaigns managed by Austrailian Aboriginals. I don't want to spoil this movie for you, but I do want to wet your whistle. Want to learn how to run a check on the rottenness of a grub? Want to find out what your Aboriginal DM REALLY means when they say, "Today we're going on THE CORAL REEF Campaign"? Want to find out why you SHOULDN'T pick up that +2 boomerang? Trust me! Watch D&D, The Movie and you WON'T be dieing anytime soon!
Usually Safety Jeff doesn't advocate educational trips to any town larger than Waterville, but in the case of going to watch D&D, The Movie I am forced to amend my advice. I give my Dungeons & Dragons, The Movie the ultra highest rating possible: 5 safety helmets.