Highlander: Endgame Reviewed: September 4th, 2000 Website: http://www.highlanderendgame.com/       Movie Snob       Safety Jeff   {NOTE: You're kidding right? Is someone out there playing a joke on me? Mom? I can't believe the reactions to my glass 1/2 empty, 1/2 full rating system. Unfortunately, my lawyers tell me that I've got to take these complaints seriously. Geeez... another change to the rating system. This is the LAST time I'm changing this dang thing. Seeing as EVERYONE likes personalized license plates, I don't expect any further problems -With Grave Reservations, Movie Snob} How would you like to see an incoherent sci-fi sequel directed by someone with no prior experience and written by the author of "Warlock III?" No? Then maybe you should avoid coming within visual range of "Highlander: Endgame." The "Highlander" series should have followed the advice of its famous tag line: "There can be only one." The first "Highlander" movie wasn't art, but it was a very watchable sci-fi action film. Since then, there have been two forgettable sequels (I expected more from a film starring Mario van Peebles. I mean, "The Posse…") and an equally forgettable TV series. Now comes "Highlander: Endgame," the film that attempts to unite the TV show and the movie series by pairing Christopher Lambert (hero from movies) with Adrian Paul (hero from TV show). The two immortal cousins must come together to thwart the sinister Jacob Kell, an immortal villain played by Bruce Payne. Of course, everyone has heard of Bruce Payne. What? "No" you say? Who can forget the bad guy from "Passenger 57?" Bruce's qualifications are that he's male and sports an English accent. As for his acting ability, I'll resort to an SAT analogy quiz: Bruce Payne:: Scenery A) Cow:: Cud B) Chainsaw:: Balsa Wood C) Bull:: China Shop D) All of the Above Payne proves the theory that even if you're immortal, even if you have superhuman regenerative powers, you can't beat male pattern baldness. It seems he's been holding a grudge against Christopher Lambert's character, Connor MacLeod, for 500 years. He has sworn to kill everyone MacLeod cares for. Talk about someone who needs a hobby. Henchman: "Hey Jacob, I hear Connor MacLeod bought a kitten today." Kell: "A kitten?! I'll get my sword." Henchman: "But he doesn't really play with it very much. I don't think he likes it. He even mentioned the Pet Store's return policy." Kell: "All right, but let me know if he buys it a ball of yarn or some catnip." Henchamn: "Aye sir." The continuity problems are so endless, I won't bore you by recounting them. It would be like shooting ducks in a visegrip. The first half of this film is strictly for fans of the series. Every scene plays like an Andy Griffith Reunion Special; "Well look who's here! It's that guy from episode 22. Remember that time with the sword..." Flashbacks have always been an over-used feature of the Highlander franchise, but never have they been used to such bewildering effect as in "Endgame." Isn't there a statute on the books that limits the number of flashbacks per movie? There was even a scene that was a flashback of a flashback of a flashback. Can you do that in a film? I think 3 self-referencing flashbacks is one of the rituals for summoning Satan. At least HE might have appreciated the acting. The film can't even deliver on its one gimmick: cool sword fights. The fights are underwhelming yawn fests, and the special effects are... think of a kind word... eclectic. Here's a tip: As a director, when you want to show a night sky, film a freakin' night sky. Don't digitize a star field if you don't have to. Tip #2: When digitizing a star field, try using a computer more powerful than a TI 30 Stat Calculator. Ouch! I thought I was seeing the screen from Atari Missile Command. My final rebuke of this film concerns the soundtrack. The original "Highlander" was scored by the immortals of rock, "Queen." In fact, the soundtrack was so good, movie snob actually purchased the CD for his collection. "Endgame" eschews the hard-edged "Queen" in favor of some bland, wimpy, psuedo-celtic, "well it worked for "Titanic," New-Age Lite lilting. To use a chess analogy, you can't have a successful Endgame without your Queen. The best thing I can say for this movie is that it's better than "Highlander 2." That's the equivalent of saying Tab is better than liquid Mad Cow Disease. (PS- In true Movie Snob tradition, let me be the first to divulge the film's secret denouement. Adrian Paul lops off Christopher Lambert's head. Why? Don't ask.) I hate to say it, but this one rates a   . I'd have to say that Highlander:Endgame is currently my favorite movie of ALL time. (Yes, even better than Space Cowboys, my previous most favorite movie of all time!) My major gripe with this film is how it lulls people into thinking that they too are immortal. The "Free Japanese Swords and Katanas" giveaway after each showing only fueled this delusional thought. How many children, after seeing this Highlander:Endgame, went home and tried killing themselves with a butter knife because they erroneously assumed they'd come back to life? I know I went home and tried this. Underestimating the damage you can do to yourself with a buttery butter knife is VERY UNSAFE. Kids,what's the rush finding out if you're immortal? Sure, the orgasmic enhancement knowledge and ability that comes from 'The Quickening' (killing another immortal) is a real gas, but its not as easy to locate another immortal to kill as Highlander:Endgame might suggest. Safety Jeff has been very active Maine's Right To Die campaign, and is quite connected to a vast network of terminally ill friends who have been looking to painlessly end their lives. Realizing I could kill two proverbial birds with one stone, I ran an impromptu search for 'The Quickening'. After beheading 32 friends for this review, only once did I feel what might be called a "rush". It could have been 'The Quickening', or it could have just been a tinge of gleeful revenge: it happened when I beheaded my old high school physical education teacher. (Laughing at Safety Jeff when he attempts 10 chin ups an hour is VERY UNSAFE.) Kids, consider this scenario. Lets say you are a five year old who really is destined for the immortal lifestyle. You see this movie and you take yourself out with a butter knife. Sure, you're reborn eternal, but you're reborn eternal as a feakin' five year old! There are innumerable drawbacks to being reborn as a 5 year old immortal: 1) You won't be strong enough to hold a sword 2) You'll have to get on a stool to behead your opponents, 3) For all eternity you'll have the mental capacity of a five year old (oh sure, you think being 5 is really cool right now but trust me, its one of the most AWFUL things that has ever happened to mankind) 4) You'll NEVER legally be old enough to drive and you'll always be a poor driver when you do try it, 5) Having an eternity worth of pets means that eventually you'll run out of all the good dog names. Sure, you'll have a tiny neck making it harder for the next immortal to lop you block off, but that tiny advantage just doesn't seem to outweigh the negatives. Safety Jeff's suggestion: wait until you're the prime of your life (between 18 and 32 years of age) and hope that you are accidentally killed by an angry Scotsman. Otherwise, Highlander:Endgame is very inspiring. A bible to those of us who are fact immortal. I give it a rating of 5 Safety Helmets.