The Patriot Reviewed: August 8th, 2000 Website: http://www.thepatriot.com       Movie Snob       Safety Jeff   {NOTE: Wow readers! Even after I super-simplified things with my previous Major League Soccer Owners Rating System I STILL heard complaints about it not making sense. I can't believe it but you are the customer. The big complaint seemed to be that people didn't know what Major League Soccer (MLS) was. I've fixed that problem - switching to the better know but still common sport of Arena Football. This week I give out a real "Arizona Rattler" of a rating. Ha ha. That was fun to say. I think THIS is the rating system that is really going to work. -Movie Snob} Over the 4th of July weekend, Movie Snob was hosting a wine and cheese party at an art gallery with Burt Bacharach and Terrence Malick, as part of a "Free Robert Downey Jr.' Fund Raiser, sponsored by the Allied Film Actors' Acting Alliance (not that Movie Snob would ever name drop). Thus, Movie Snob missed the critics' screening of "The Patriot," and was forced to attend the film with the plebeian hordes at a 20 screen, concrete, stadium seating monstrosity. The experience left me mortified and desperate need of a wet nap. But I digress. As for "The Patriot," I went with certain expectations, brought on by the prodigious marketing push made by the film's producers the weeks and months before the film's release. I expected to see the portrait of a peaceful family man (Mel Gibson), living the colonies during the American Revolution; I expected to see him forced into battle by the threat to his family; and I expected him to dispatch several British soldiers with gruesome aplomb. I got none of that. fact, Movie Snob's attorney thinks he has a good claim for false advertising against this deceptive piece of cinema. Where were the epic fight scenes? Where were the patriotic themes, from whence the movie's very name is derived? Where were the evil villains (ostensibly the British)? Not that the film was boring. Quite the contrary, it was exciting and intense, but it was just too misleading to garner a favorable review. On the plus side, the action sequences were tight and well choreographed. And Mel Gibson (almost unrecognizable as an 18th century fisherman) let his facial expressions do the talking for him. fact, was a very conservative use of text throughout the film, the director preferring to show rather than tell the story. This technique was used to great effect. But I have to come back to the deceptive marketing ploy. True, the 4th of July is a time for fireworks and American patriotism, but that should not give a studio license to take what is essentially a "man versus nature" story and infuse it with jingoistic overtones. Heck, a better title for this film would have been "The Big Wave," or "Killer Storm" or something that even hinted at the movie's plot. We've all seen the ad featuring Mel Gibson charging the enemy lines with an enemy flag. Well I've got news for you; that scene isn't even the movie! It was evidently cut from the film, and thankfully so, because frankly, I cannot imagine a place the film where it would make sense! [Scene 23: Wall of water hits Mel Gibson's boat] [Scene 24: Cut to tight shot of Mel's determined face] [Scene 25: Mel impales a British soldier with an American Flag] [Scene 26: Mel's boat is flipped over] [Scene 27: Mel captures fort] ??????????????????????????????????????? It just doesn't work for me. I hear Mel's next film is about an ice sculptor during the Black Plague; it's set for release on Arbor Day, and it will be called "Johnny Appleseed." So much for "The Patriot." And yet, with a different title, this might have been the perfect film. My rating? Sorry Americans, this one was a real Arizona Rattler: Arizona Rattler Arena Football Team. As I write this from my windowless cell, I think to myself, "Boy, The Patriot was a VERY good movie." I've spent my last few weeks in the prison library because it seems much safer than the exercise yard. I've taken to reading law books and am quite surprised to find no law exists disallowing a tour bus of Englishmen to sit together at an American movie theatre. Well, I guess incidents like this one are how we learn where laws are needed. America will be safer once these type of movie watchings are legislated against. I didn't mind them at first, I mean, it was just a little whispering. I figured they were just making fun of Mel Gibson. He IS Australian and I figured it was some British thing I couldn't understand. Honestly, all I heard them say was "Angus, pass the popcorn." but Safety Jeff knows his good Maine neighbors are NOT liars. If they say they heard, "Angus, raise the taxes on the Americans" I have to believe them. Its common knowledge that most all Englishmen are named Angus, so I can see how some of my fellow Americans took this to be an aggressive order to the entire group of Englishmen. Safety Jeff has always said that you can't take 45 taxing Englishmen sitting down, and thankfully there were a few courageous American moviegoers swho believed the same thing. I swear when that first piece of popcorn was thrown you could hear it around the entire movieplex. The Englishmen were ultimately undone by their rigid fighting patterns. They'd initially taken up 5 seats in 9 contiguous rows towards the middle of the theatre. They attacked one row at a time, with great delays caused when they so apologetically and properly filed out of their seats before engaging the Americans. If they'd been on the aisle I might not be writing this review today. Us? Hell, we Mainers were all over the place -- jumping over seats like a bunch of crazed American monkeys. [dramatic pause] It was AWESOME!. This movie taught me SO much. I learned that sliding on your belly in an attempt to get under a movie theatre seat is VERY UNSAFE. I learned that when you suddenly run behind the snack counter and take box upon box of juju bees nobody lifts a finger to stop you: VERY SAFE. I also learned that a cup of hot butter is VERY EFFECTIVE in getting the British to renege on their tax raising threats. As you can tell, I really had a blast going to see The Patriot. This movie showed me lots about myself. Like I won't take crap off the British. That's important. I give The Patriot the highest rating possible: 5 Safety Helmets.