X-Men Reviewed: July 14th, 2000 Website: http://www.x-men.com       Movie Snob       Safety Jeff   { NOTE: It seems some users, a very small percentange really, complained that the house fly rating system didn't make sense. While I disagree, The Movie Snob is willing to make things EXCEEDINGLY simple. I hope my self-evident Major League Soccer Movie Rating System (MLSMR for short) is clear enough. -The Movie Snob } The Movie Snob attended a showing of "The X-Men" this weekend, fully expecting easy fodder for the column. Surprisingly enough, the film, directed by Brian Singer of "The Usual Suspects" fame, was not that bad. The acting was more than passable, and the story line generally held together. But no one wants to read warm fuzzy reviews. This is "Why It Sucked," and The Movie Snob intends to live up to the title. If you have not seen the film and do not wish to know the ending, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. Okay, okay, so we all knew that Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) would turn against the X-Men and decapitate Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart), and that Magneto (Ian McKellen) would de-magnitize all of the world's VHS tapes, but movie snob never knew that Halle Berry is really a man. Has movie snob's point been made? We all know how "X-Men" ends. The movie's plot is as predictable as a ... well ... a comic book (not "Archie," though. "Archie" always kept you guessing, what with Archie and Josie's wacky antics. And that Jughead ... Where was I?) Here now is the plot line for the inevitable sequel, which was shamelessly plugged throughout the film: - Magneto escapes from prison and tries to destroy humanity - Wolverine bares his metal claws over and over, making a "Shing!" sound each time - Wolverine gets beaten up, but heals really fast - Mystique mimics one of the X-Men (hilarious misadventures ensue) - Cyclops shoots something with his eyes - Storm makes a storm - Rogue cries - Jean Grey mentions that her telepathic powers are much weaker than Professor Xavier's - Sabretooth and Wolverine fight - The X-Men save the day - All of the mutants live to fight in the sequel's sequel (or prequel. whatever.) There. I just saved you $7.00. By the way, why can't the X-Men be named Bob or Jerry? Why do they have to be named Cyclops and Storm? (Actual line from the movie: "Hi, my name is Rogue." Huh?? Who says things like that? From here on out, I demand to be known as "Critique," because I'm a film critic, get it? You, the reader, shall be named "WebBrowser.") Another question: How can the mutants afford their gadgets? Who builds them? Does Professor Xavier call the local contractor and say, "I need to build a top secret hi-tech jet and a Cerebro." Or do the X-Men's ranks include a mutant named "Architect" and his sidekick "Laborer?" Do taxpayers have to flip the bill for Magneto's plastic prison? These are questions I want to know. Unlike the hordes of "Uncanny X-Nerds," I did not have a problem with the change in outfits. Whenever I think of bad costume ideas, I immediately remember the horrid 70's live action spiderman movie, in which live action spidey tried to wear live action spandex. Ouch! Therefore, I will not fault "X-Men" for replacing spandex with black leather. Although, they do look like stand-ins for the cast from "The Matrix." Predicition: Sega Dreamcast will announce its new game "X-Men Versus Matrix" in time for Christmas. After all, that's why this film was made - merchandising. I've already got the action figures and the plush toys, and I'm saving up for the claws that go "Shing!" My rating? Sorry X-Men lovers: 7 1/2 flies. I thought, overall, the movie was VERY good. First off, the aisles were well lit. I had to get up to go to the bathroom twice during the film and it was very easy to see where the exit doors were. I knew they were exit doors, and not some other kind of spooky un-safe door because they'd concocted these signs that made the word "exit" glow red RIGHT ABOVE THE DOORWAY! Talk about some kickin' special effects! A little jump of logic on my part was all it took: recognizing that the glowing red "exits" actually meant that these doors were to be used as portals of egress. I think it is tolerable but not all that classy to expect movie goers to make this logic jump. It would have been nice if they'd printed up directions for use of these exit signs and placed them on every chair. Better yet, after the dancing popcorn told us not to talk during the movie, he/she could have then told us about the exit signs. They could have at least hired a guy to come down front with a megaphone to explain things. All the really violent stuff in the film once again stayed on film, maintaining this theatre's safety streak of consecutive movies shown without a special effect leaving the screen. As you can tell, I really LOVED going to see X-Men. I give my X-Men experience the highest rating possible: 5 Safety Helmets.