Mission Impossible 2 Reviewed: July 21st, 2000 Website: http://www.missionimpossible.com       Movie Snob       Safety Jeff   Movie snob here with this week's movie snob review. Today, I turn up my effete, elitist nose at the spectacularly goofy Mission Impossible 2. This film can be described in one word : Cartoon. That's what this movie is, plain and simple. The suspension of disbelief required to view this film in earnest is so great that if it were a "suspension of disbelief" bridge, it would stretch from here to John Woo's beloved Hong Kong. Woefully (or should I say "Woofully"?) miscast as Hong Kong Phooey is Tom Cruise. Now this is no knock on Tom, but the man doesn't know martial arts; fine, he's there to look pretty anyway, but for some reason, Mr. Woo decided to slow down Tom's chop saki action footage. Thomas looks awkward enough attempting a cart-wheel in real time. When you slow it down by a factor of 5, Tommy goes from awkward to downright inept. There were audible giggles echoing around the theater (and they weren't just coming from me). John Woo dating tips: If you want to show a girl you love her, do you : A) send her flowers B) write her a sonnet C) try to run her car off a cliff If you answered C, then MI:2 is for you. More Woo logic: "In order to create a vaccine to cure influenza, we had to create the deadliest virus of all time." Okay. One question comes to mind: WHY?! Why not simply test the vaccine on existing viruses? No no, it would be much better for humanity to create a super virus that could wipe people from the face of the earth, and then TRY to find a cure for it. That's using the old noggin. Woo physics: Two men on motorcycles pop wheelies and ride straight towards one another on a flat surface, each reaching a speed of approximately 75 mph. As they approach one another, each man leaps from his bike, propelling himself over the handlebars towards his foe. The two men collide chest-to-chest in mid-air as their motorcycles explode. Do the two men: A) Crush each other's sternums on impact, then suffer a few paroxysms before gratefully meeting their Maker? B) Become impaled by shrapnel and wreckage thrown from two motorcycles exploding inches away? C) Instantly get up and begin kicking the crap out of each other? If you said C, congratulations! You just got a degree from Woo University! At least MI:2 stayed true to the original series. It self-destructed in 5 seconds. Speaking of 5's. This movie could have easily rated 5 flies but the scale doesn't go that low. I begrudginly give MI:2 a 7 1/2 fly rating. I thought, overall, the movie was DARN good. My major criticism of this movie was the portrayal of rock climbing. Director Woo and Tom Cruise made it look so easy -- so easy that yours truly went out and gave it a try. The outcome: Safety Jeff has to give rock climbing his VERY UNSAFE safety rating. Lucky for me, I played it smart and went climbing in a region that was accesible by chopper. Oddly, rock climbing IS safe -- its just when you fall off the rock face and begin FALLING that things get dangerous. The climbing and falling are so closely related that I chose to give one rating for both, but I could just as easily have given these two facets of the activity separate ratings: climbing: VERY SAFE,  falling:VERY DANGEROUS. I felt pretty secure in the metal basket the helicopter commando poured me into. The big yellow straps over my upper body, my midriff, and my legs were exceedingly snug and highly visible. If God is in the details then I'm going to begin praying to these yellow straps. Ha! ha! ha! (Ow! It hurts to laugh. Shit, my lung again!) Ok, I'm back. As we were being pulled up into the chopper the commando kept saying, "Your doing just fine. This is very safe." That was until we started spinning at a rather high angular velocity. Then the guy starts saying, "Oh God! Oh God! We shouldn't be spinning like this! This is my first time! This is my first time rescuing someone! Oh God! [screaming now up towards the helicopter] SEND HELP GOD DAMMIT! I CAN'T DO THIS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" That was a little spooky, but I guess that's what made Mission Impossible 2 so exciting. I really LOVED going to see Mission Impossible 2. I give my Mission Impossible 2 experience the highest rating possible: 5 safety helmets.