Gladiator Reviewed: July 14th, 2000 Website: http://www.gladiator-thefilm.com       Movie Snob       Safety Jeff   Movie snob here with this week's review: In addition to an annoying need to refer to himself in the third person, movie snob also has a soft spot for historical recreations. Such was movie snob's state of mind when he saw Gladiator, directed by accomplished action film director, Ridley Scott. Generally, movie snob rather enjoyed this hack-and-slash epic, sprinkled with sober dialogue. However, positive reviews are borng, so movie snob will endeavor to decribe how this movie sucked. First of all, let's pick a country for our hero. Russell Crowe is an Australian, haplessly struggling to produce an English accent, for a character who is a Roman General, whom everyone calls "the Spaniard." Huh? I'm surprised they didn't put a lei around his neck and call him Hawaiian. That brings up a pet peeve; why does every film, play and audio book about Rome or Greece use English accents? Who are they fooling? These fellas didn't know what "rubbish" meant, or "tea and crumpets," or "old chap," or even "how pretentious." Heck, English hadn't even become one of Latin's bastard step-children yet. Moving on, at the end of the film (movie snob doesn't mind spoiling endings), Crowe dies; however, before he does so, he dispatches the evil Emperor Commodus in combat, then, mortally wounded, he beckons in a golden era for Rome under the control of the Senate. This is all very commendable and heroic and all, except for the trivial little detail that IT NEVER HAPPENED! Not even close. It's the equivalent of doing a historical piece on Nazi Germany in which Hitler ends the film passing out Hannukah gifts and lighting a Menorah. Pure fiction. As for gore (not Tipper), the film was a veritable headwound highlight reel. Hammer to the head, arrow to the head, flail to the head, decapitation, knee to the head, shield to the head, hanging, tiger claw to the face, etc... For all of its attempts at finding a deeper meaning, the moral of the film is simple... "duck." As for the acting and dialogue, it was a tad too presentational. The good guys were a little too good, and the bad guys were really easy to spot as well. Scott wanted to make sure the audience knew for whom to root. Sure, Russell Crowe's General Maximus massacred, subjugated and enslaved all of Western Europe, then ruthlessly butchered inferior warriors in the ring for his own ambitions, but he did it out of love. He wasn't so bad. If he was, would Richard Harris like him? Would Amistad's Djimon Honsou like him? Would the forgettable love interest love him? Answer no, no and no. Yeah, go Maximus! Wreak havoc on your enemies! Kill 'em all! Whee! There you have it. "Gladiator." It ain't "Spartacus." Just think of it as "Braveheart" in Rome. Or is that "The Patriot?" No, silly me, that's "Braveheart" in the States. A 7 1/2 fly attraction at best. I thought, overall, the movie was AWFULLY good. As many of you know, I live in Waterville, Maine. "Coming May 2000" in Waterville means "Coming Eventually. Just hold your horses." (See my review on equipment recommended to hold horses). As of July 21st, 2000, Gladiator has still not made it north of Boston. I suppose I should have driven down there so this review might have a bit more about Gladiator in it, but I just don't trust myself on long drives. Safety Jeff has a long history of falling asleep at the wheel and has hit more than his fair share of roadside blueberry stands. I'd just have to review the movie without actually seeing it. They started running the trailer of the movie almost six months ago, so I really have a pretty good feel for what the movie is about. Lots of sharp swords and really neat curved pieces of metal that the actors call shields. Where does the director come up with this fantasy stuff! One of the best sci-fi weapons I've ever seen brought to the big screen. Its amazing what the director did with string in this movie. I was looking really hard at the movie promotion poster in the lobby of my local theatre and I must have seen at least 2 different uses of string. One usage has this background thingy that sort of stands behind the actors -- a wall. On the wall there is this amazing string. I mean who would think to put a string on a backdrop thingy? Not me, that's for sure. (NOTE: After this article went to press it was discovered that this string was really a crack.) The other use of string was around this guys ankle. It looks like the director has taken the regular laces out of a pair of shoes and relaced them with string! Awesome. I mean, the laces just keep on going long after the shoe has ended. Ordinarily I would say, NO LONG SHOE LACES because, as governement reports clearly indicate, with each "EXTRA" 5 inches of lace you increase your odds of getting caught in school bus doors by 58%. The director, though, TOTALLY gets around this by eliminating school buses in this picture. For me, a movie has to take responsibility for the safety messages it sends, and Gladiator does just that. I've always said, "Hey, if there weren't school busses, then sure, at that point wear your laces as long as you want, but until that day comes..." Well, ladies and genltlemen, that day has come. I really LOVED going to see Galdiator. I give my Gladiator experience the highest rating possible: 5 Safety Helmets.