October 31st, 2002
TOMBSTONE, ARIZONA--

Recently The Hypothetical Seven caught up with Corny The Candy Corn at his secluded ranch home. Corny is recently transplated New Yorker who has relocated to the small town of Tombstone, Arizona, roughly 70 miles Southeast of Tuscon. We caught up with Corny a few weeks before Holloween, where he was literally sequestering himself. Corny was on edge throughout the hour and a half interview, often hearing nonexistant knocks on his teeny eeny weeny tiny front door. Otherwise, Corny proved to be a gracious host, frequently falling out of his chair to fetch us refills on our thimble sized beverages. The interview abruptly ended when we accidentally tried to eat Corny... and succeeded. -H7

       

H7: I saw read an interview you did with Other Corn Magazine and you said that The Two Towers was by far your favorite book. The interviewer said, "Obviously" and the subject was dropped. Why is this so obvious?

CC: Are you kidding?

H7: No, really.

CC: Uhh... Okay. Ents. [there was a long pause here as we didn't realized Corny had finished his answer.]

H7: Ants? Oh sure. Ants. They're tiny... they get stepped on and eaten... much like you guys...

CC: NO! NOT ANTS! ENTS! With an 'E'! As in talking trees! Actually, trees that aren't asleep. In my experience, most people don't even know trees talk. In fact, I've kind of experimented with this very topic. I'll go up to somebody, anybody, and say, "Did you know trees talk?" And without exception every last one of them stares back at me with this totally blown away expression like they've just seen a ghost. Some people even faint. I'm not sure WHY people get so wigged out. Its just an idea. Its not like I force them to TALK to a tree... Freaks.
H7: So Tolken is one of your big influences then?

CC: Tolken? Who's that?

H7: The guy who wrote The Lord of the Rings.

CC: I'm sorry. I NEVER claimed to know anything about your... Lord of the Rings. I thought we were talking about The Two Towers here.

H7: We are. The Two Towers is the second book of the trilogy?

CC: Trilogy? What's that? Oh right... its the union between your 3 Gods -- your Son, you Holy Spirit, and your Father. I always thought it was pretty funny that you monothetists coverup the polytheistic faux-paux of having 3 Gods by saying, "Presto! Changeo! Our 3 Gods are really 1! Behold the trilogy!" Pretty convenient.

H7: No... that's not quite... Uhh...Its not important. Anyway... so you enjoyed reading The Two Towers.

CC: We'll I've never read it. In fact, I don't have a brain so reading is out of the question. But I have HEARD the book. You see, I got trapped in this Children's library once.
      The kid who owned me at the time had this fantastic mother who was VERY strict about candy consumption. It gave us corn lots of hope. Humans have this odd little behavior where, once they expose us to air, if you can stay alive for about a month, they just stop eatting you. I don't know. Maybe they think candy corn goes bad... Ha ha ha. Stop Corny! You're killin' yourself. Uhh.. Where was I. Oh yeah. Uhhh.. maybe its Thanksgiving. From what I've heard, humans don't even KNOW candy corns were at the first Thanksgiving. Who do you think tranlated between the Wampanogs and the English? But... the humans have hands so THEY get to write the history books...
      Anyway... Its nearing that 1 month salvation point and we corns are really starting to have hope. Suddenly, that little brat sneaks away from his mom and our hearts just sank [Corny points to his bottom yellow stripe when he says 'heart']. We're bouncing in that kids's pocket as he races down some secluded library isle and hey, I'll admit it... I was getting pretty moist. We all were. Then his grubby paw reachs in and scoops us out and of course... the sudden exposure to light and outside air made all of us close our eyes and mouths so tight it almost looked like we didn't HAVE eyes and mouths. And BOOM! He dropped me! My salvation! And he not only dropped me... he dropped me into a vent smack dab in the middle of the math aisle! Talk about dumb luck. Usually a kid will pick you out of a vent, brush the dust off, and eat you but apparently not if you're in a vent in the math aisle.
      So... I sat there for years. I sat next to a dried up peice of gum and a nickel through 4 different librarians. Mrs. Tuttle was the second, and she's the one who read The Two Towers out loud every Saturday. She read it 5 times in all..

H7: So what kind of convertations did you have with the piece of gum.

CC: What?

H7: The gum. I mean.. you were just sitting there for years... What kind of things did the gum say, etc.

CC: Gum doesn't talk. That's weird. You're making me feel uncomfortable.

H7: Oh... I'm sorry.. I just figured... Anyhow... it sounds like you were in that vent for a long time. Just how many years was it.. in fact... How old ARE you!?

CC: 158 years old

H7: THAT'S AMAZING!!!

CC: Actually, that's pretty young for a candy corn.

H7: Well, I bet being trapped in a vent made you really appreciate those readings by Mrs. Tuttle. I bet you've memorized every last word of The Two Towers. No WONDER Tolken's been so influential...

CC: Actually I only remember the Ents. I just vaguely remember liking the fact that these enormous creatures could have eaten these little innocent, wonderful little creatures... hibbits or something like that... and they chose not to... That seemed like a pretty neat idea to me at the time. It still does.

H7: So you don't eveb remember what the book was about?

CC: No. Not really.

H7: So you don't remember that the Ents later change their minds and ate all the hibbits up? REALLY gory... pretty funny actually.

CC: NO! THEY DID NOT!

H7: Yeah... yeah they did. In fact the books ends with everyone having a big feast on these little creatures. That's why I was surprised you liked the book so much..

CC: [Corny suddenly spun around and behind him in the direction of his front door] OH GOD! ITS A TRICK-OR-TREATER! DO YOU HEAR THAT KNOCKING? DO YOU HEAR THAT KID LAUGHING? OH GOD! HIDE ME! HIDE ME!